Its ok to have fun!

Last night, I went to a birthday party. I drank, I stayed out late and I had a ton of fun. That shouldn't sound too out of the ordinary for someone my age but for me, that was a big accomplishment. It took me a while to get back to feeling comfortable "celebrating" while my other half was locked away in a jail cell. Honestly, it just felt "wrong" to have fun. Instead of being joyous occasions; holidays, birthdays and parties were accompanied by an emptiness, a silent sadness.  Often, I wondered how standing in the middle of a crowded room could make someone feel so lonely.

I'm not sure what prompted the day or how it came about but eventually I realized that there was no sense in cutting myself off from the world. Adam was in jail and nothing would change that. Whether I went out and had fun or sat in the self-inflicted prison I created in my mind, he was stuck there regardless. Slowly I learned how to separate the two and began allowing myself to have fun again. I learned that I needed those escapes to keep my sanity, which actually strengthened my relationship in the long run. It also eliminated the guilt he often felt for me neglecting myself. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'd be lying if I told you it was always easy. We are only human, somedays are more of a struggle than others. I still choke away tears at weddings and cried myself to sleep last New Years Eve with a promise that next year will be better. I left myself feel the emotions then promise myself to try to have more good days than bad. Its the only way for me to survive this life. So today, I'm passing along some strength, a smile and a simple validation that its okay to go out and have fun. I promise you'll feel so much better for it. Love and hugs, The Prison Wife