You Are Good Enough

Moving from prison to jail, jail to prison Tom has met some very interesting men. Tonight when Tom called and we shared the "highlight" of our day, I ask if he liked his "bunkie." Something he usually mentions but hadn't seen he has been moved. Tom kind of chuckled and said, "He's got some stories." Of course my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to know the stories! Tom began to share this man's, which I believe to be his "fantasy." His famous actress girlfriend, his father's famous beer company, his nicely padded bank account - and while this may all sound nice, I don't believe it. I laughed as the stories went on and on and on. 

Then Tom says, "I'm broke, I'm a piece of shit and I'm in jail." 

Okay . . . 

I of course quickly responded, "What." Reassured Tom, he isn't broke, he isn't a piece of shit and it doesn't matter that he is in jail. He says, "I have your money, I am broke. I am not good in here, it's not fair." I always try to stop and really think before I respond to things like this because it is important to me to make Tom aware that "this" isn't him. 

Tom is broke because he is in jail, obviously. But a piece of shit? No. Of  course I told him how much I love him, that it doesn't matter that he is in jail and he is not a piece of shit. Being in jail doesn't make you a piece of shit. Its circumstance. This still disturbs me hours later. 

I do truly believe that Tom thinks about himself like this, it breaks my heart. But he is so true in saying "It doesn't matter, as long as I have you at the end of the day I will be okay. I don't need money, I can be in jail but having you makes it okay. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have anything in here." I have to believe that at the end of this Tom can believe in himself, that he is good enough. That this current lifestyle does not define him, me or our relationship.

tnalewis.blogspot.com 

Its ok to have fun!

Last night, I went to a birthday party. I drank, I stayed out late and I had a ton of fun. That shouldn't sound too out of the ordinary for someone my age but for me, that was a big accomplishment. It took me a while to get back to feeling comfortable "celebrating" while my other half was locked away in a jail cell. Honestly, it just felt "wrong" to have fun. Instead of being joyous occasions; holidays, birthdays and parties were accompanied by an emptiness, a silent sadness.  Often, I wondered how standing in the middle of a crowded room could make someone feel so lonely.

I'm not sure what prompted the day or how it came about but eventually I realized that there was no sense in cutting myself off from the world. Adam was in jail and nothing would change that. Whether I went out and had fun or sat in the self-inflicted prison I created in my mind, he was stuck there regardless. Slowly I learned how to separate the two and began allowing myself to have fun again. I learned that I needed those escapes to keep my sanity, which actually strengthened my relationship in the long run. It also eliminated the guilt he often felt for me neglecting myself. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'd be lying if I told you it was always easy. We are only human, somedays are more of a struggle than others. I still choke away tears at weddings and cried myself to sleep last New Years Eve with a promise that next year will be better. I left myself feel the emotions then promise myself to try to have more good days than bad. Its the only way for me to survive this life. So today, I'm passing along some strength, a smile and a simple validation that its okay to go out and have fun. I promise you'll feel so much better for it. Love and hugs, The Prison Wife

When it isn't all perfect

Marriage isn't perfect, everyone married knows that it. It takes effort, everyday. Every single day. Today it has taken a lot of it. And of course everyone has their little arguments and disagreements, but unlike other couples - we can't walk away and come back to talk about later. It's "You have one minute remaining," and then silence.

Crickets.

Then I have to wait for him to call back, once we have cooled down to come back again and talk about it. Which again is another 15-minute call. But luckily Tom and I have developed good communication skills so when an argument does happen we can talk about it and snap back to us.

Like tonight.

So even though we don't necessarily see eye-to-eye on a particular issue, we have to move on, we need to. We need to move on because what other choice do we have, waste another 15-minute call for $4.65 per call? Sit there and argue back and forth? I have realized that it is a waste, even if he was home. Be mad over some that will be meaningless tomorrow? You have to let go, especially in these circumstances. There comes a time in your life when you stop what you're saying, and think. Think about not only what your saying but what you're doing. Unless you are arguing over something really damn important, why do it? You have to analyze whether what the issue is, is even worth the energy. Tonight it wasn't. Tonight was a little off but it's all good. You have to remember not to let it get to you, and keep it moving.

Nothing is perfect. But it is alright.

tnalewis.blogspot.com

At this point Tom and I are going to "balls to the wall" and we would appreciate your signature on our petition. Please follow the link below:

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/Tom-Lewis/

He's stronger than he thinks!

Well finally, after what seemed like forever, I received a letter today from my husband. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see his name in the top left-hand corner of an envelop in my mailbox. It just brings me a sense of peace and comfort when mail finally arrives from Texas. As long as my husband is writing then I know that he's OK.

Today's letter had a bit of a sombre tone to it. He was clearly in an enormous amount of pain and that is not something I take lightly at all. He is as tough as nails so for him to openly admit he is hurting is saying a lot. He seemed at his wit's end and he was unsure what to do about it. He was frustrated and he was irritated. He's not getting any real relief from the pain that he's in 24/7 and the one thing that could relieve all of his pain is the one thing that the prison won't do and that's surgery. So, he does the best he can because, at this point, there is no other choice. He has always said that he will do what he needs to do to come home safely to me and by the livin' Jesus he is doing just that.

As you all know, it's been over a year since we've seen each other and we don't often talk about the last time we saw each other. Surprsingly, in this letter he talked about it. For some reason, some women think that if a man really, truly loved them he would remember absolutely everything about them; every outfit they wore, every good hair day they had and most certainly every word they have ever said. I've never put that expectation on my husband so when he remembers something that I think he might not have paid attention to, it makes me smile. He remembered the last time we saw each other in New York right before he went back to Texas. He remembered the smile on my face when I saw himm the jeans that I wore and he remembered how he felt and what was going through his mind when I had to leave him after our visit. He remembered how important it was to him not to break down in front of me and he remembered how heartbroken he was when I left. He stayed strong for me and it is that strength he showed then and continues to show now that will get me through this time without him.

You see he always talks about how he gets through this time because of me and today was no different. Today, he said "it's been because of you that I've held it together through the courts, the chains and the pain". You see each time my husband went to court, I wasn't there and I have felt guilty about that every single day. He stood there and faced all that negativity alone and it was my place to be there with him and I wasn't and I feel that I failed him. If you were to ask him, though, he would tell you that I was with him the entire time; in his heart and in his soul. It will, more than likely, take me a little while to forgive myself but with the love of my husband all things are possible.

by Kimberley Ledbetter

Soul Mates

~~The supreme state of human love is the unity of one soul in two bodies~~

If you had to describe your soul mate, what would you say? There are probably a few little catch phrases you might use like “we belong together” or “we were meant to be”. But what does it take to be soul mates?

I am not really sure that I know the answer to that question and I am not sure that I ever really believed in there being one perfect person for each of us…until now.

So, how do I know that my husband is my soul mate?

Well for starters he is American and I am Canadian and while that may not be such a big deal and may not qualify as making you soul mates, you need to know that my husband is from Texas and I am from Ontario – 3,000 miles apart.

My husband had another life before me and I had another life before him. He lived the fast life and in the public eye. I was a stay-at-home, work-at-home mom raising two children on my own. We didn’t know it then, but there were times when we were both in the exact same place at the exact same time and we never met.

Like my husband says, being soul mates is not just about love and being in love, it’s a lifestyle. To me, it’s a state of awareness that there is an incomplete soul looking for you that won’t rest until it’s found it’s other half.

For those that have yet to experience what it is like to find their soul mate, all I can tell you is that when you find it you will know. Everything will finally make perfect sense.

As a prison wife, there are a lot of what if moments and this life can break you if you let it. But if you have truly found the man you have always been meant to be with, those what if moments will serve as a connection and a bond that can never be broken.

My husband and I have a connection that continues to amaze me but not surprise me. We have had all real time communication taken away from us and still we are connected. We not only finish each other’s sentences but answer questions that haven’t even been asked yet. When you have finally found your soul mate you can't imagine your life without him. You can't remember what your life was like before him and even if you could, would that life matter? You can remember the first time you saw him, the first time he kissed you, the first time he told you he loved you. You can go right back to that moment in time.

You can feel his heart beat right alongside yours even though you haven’t seen each other in a year. You can remember the sound of his voice and his laugh and the way he makes you feel when he says “can I ask you a question?”

While I didn't know it at the time, I found my soul's other half in September 2009 and while he may be sitting in a prison in Texas 3,000 miles away from me, our souls are right where they belong...home!

by Kimberley Ledbetter

Playing to Win!

So, it's Tuesday and we are just about mid-week and I am about to write a post that my husband will not see. I have sent him every post I have made since I started blogging a little over a month ago. I have to say that the interest in my blog has been overwhelming, to say the least, so thank you all for continuing to read my story.

The reason that this post will not be sent to my husband will be clear in a few short sentences and I am hoping you all will understand why I can't send it to him. Without getting too much into it, I am on my way to have an ultrasound done and, for the wishful thinkers, unfortunately, I am not pregnant. I have known for about 3 weeks now that this test needs to be done and quite honestly it has me scared out of my mind. I cannot and will not tell my husband because of the worry that this will cause him and I will not now nor ever put him in a position of helplessness. Right now, he can do nothing. He can't call and tell me that everything will be alright and by the time he writes to me 10 days will have passed and what could be something, could be nothing.

In the year that my husband has been in prison, he has remained strong and focussed and determined and should he get wind of this, it will undoubtedly throw him off his game and all that he has accomplished to date, will be for not. I won't let that happen.

Now that I have had my test, I must wait 5 days for the results which, if I let it, can easily overwhelm me and throw me off my game and I can't let that happen. My children need me. My husband needs me and I can't let them down for anything in this world. So, while some who read this may say that I am a strong prison wife, really at the core of me I am just a wife and mother who must now play the hand she is dealt and guess what? I WILL WIN!

by Kimberley Ledbetter