Soul Mates

~~The supreme state of human love is the unity of one soul in two bodies~~

If you had to describe your soul mate, what would you say? There are probably a few little catch phrases you might use like “we belong together” or “we were meant to be”. But what does it take to be soul mates?

I am not really sure that I know the answer to that question and I am not sure that I ever really believed in there being one perfect person for each of us…until now.

So, how do I know that my husband is my soul mate?

Well for starters he is American and I am Canadian and while that may not be such a big deal and may not qualify as making you soul mates, you need to know that my husband is from Texas and I am from Ontario – 3,000 miles apart.

My husband had another life before me and I had another life before him. He lived the fast life and in the public eye. I was a stay-at-home, work-at-home mom raising two children on my own. We didn’t know it then, but there were times when we were both in the exact same place at the exact same time and we never met.

Like my husband says, being soul mates is not just about love and being in love, it’s a lifestyle. To me, it’s a state of awareness that there is an incomplete soul looking for you that won’t rest until it’s found it’s other half.

For those that have yet to experience what it is like to find their soul mate, all I can tell you is that when you find it you will know. Everything will finally make perfect sense.

As a prison wife, there are a lot of what if moments and this life can break you if you let it. But if you have truly found the man you have always been meant to be with, those what if moments will serve as a connection and a bond that can never be broken.

My husband and I have a connection that continues to amaze me but not surprise me. We have had all real time communication taken away from us and still we are connected. We not only finish each other’s sentences but answer questions that haven’t even been asked yet. When you have finally found your soul mate you can't imagine your life without him. You can't remember what your life was like before him and even if you could, would that life matter? You can remember the first time you saw him, the first time he kissed you, the first time he told you he loved you. You can go right back to that moment in time.

You can feel his heart beat right alongside yours even though you haven’t seen each other in a year. You can remember the sound of his voice and his laugh and the way he makes you feel when he says “can I ask you a question?”

While I didn't know it at the time, I found my soul's other half in September 2009 and while he may be sitting in a prison in Texas 3,000 miles away from me, our souls are right where they belong...home!

by Kimberley Ledbetter

Playing to Win!

So, it's Tuesday and we are just about mid-week and I am about to write a post that my husband will not see. I have sent him every post I have made since I started blogging a little over a month ago. I have to say that the interest in my blog has been overwhelming, to say the least, so thank you all for continuing to read my story.

The reason that this post will not be sent to my husband will be clear in a few short sentences and I am hoping you all will understand why I can't send it to him. Without getting too much into it, I am on my way to have an ultrasound done and, for the wishful thinkers, unfortunately, I am not pregnant. I have known for about 3 weeks now that this test needs to be done and quite honestly it has me scared out of my mind. I cannot and will not tell my husband because of the worry that this will cause him and I will not now nor ever put him in a position of helplessness. Right now, he can do nothing. He can't call and tell me that everything will be alright and by the time he writes to me 10 days will have passed and what could be something, could be nothing.

In the year that my husband has been in prison, he has remained strong and focussed and determined and should he get wind of this, it will undoubtedly throw him off his game and all that he has accomplished to date, will be for not. I won't let that happen.

Now that I have had my test, I must wait 5 days for the results which, if I let it, can easily overwhelm me and throw me off my game and I can't let that happen. My children need me. My husband needs me and I can't let them down for anything in this world. So, while some who read this may say that I am a strong prison wife, really at the core of me I am just a wife and mother who must now play the hand she is dealt and guess what? I WILL WIN!

by Kimberley Ledbetter

My husband's day

Well, it's Sunday morning and another week is over. That means that my husband is one week closer to coming home. Sunday is, by far, the hardest day for me because this is my husband's day. It was always his day to do whatever he wanted that made him happy and what used to make him happy today was football. You know it may not seem like that big of a deal to some but to me Sundays are huge. I won't lie and tell you that it doesn't usually take a lot to break me. Hell! I've been doing time right alongside my husband for over a year now and, while I've come close, I haven't broken. However, Sunday is a day that will break me...if I let it. The reason that Sunday is hard for me is because my husband always looked forward to this day when he could think about nothing, worry about nothing and just be. Not much was on his mind then except watching a good couple of games and having a few drinks. Now when I think of Sundays and football, I picture him sitting in a day room with hundreds of other men jockeying for the tv just so he can have one moment in the week that can take him from the hell that he is in to a place that he truly enjoys, even if it's only for a few hours. When he was home, he never asked for much so when he wanted this one day just for him, you bet your ass he got it. When he comes home to me and to our family, he will have his day because after everything he has been through and the strength, courage and determination he has shown while inside, he deserves at least that.

by Kimberley Ledbetter

The Ties that Bind

Today was one of those days where I was really hoping to get mail from my husband and I was not disappointed. As a matter of fact, I got a card that my husband had somebody make for me. It may have cost him a couple of soups but knowing him like I do it was more than worth it. It was absolutely stunning. At first, I thought it was a drawing for a tattoo that he might want but when I saw that it was in colour I knew that wasn't the case because my husband does not do colour. Then I thought maybe it was a tattoo that he had drawn up for me. Nope. That couldn't be it because no way would I have a skull tattooed on me. There is just no way. Well I opened up one flap of the perfectly folded paper and inside were 3 words - "I miss you" and I just fell to pieces because now I knew what the purpose of this card was. I opened the next flap of the card and there was the most beautiful note from my husband inside. I know that I usually share some of the things that he says to me but I think for just this one time, I will keep this one all to myself. Just know that it made me cry because it was just so filled with his love for me just like everything he has ever written to me.

You know one of my friends said to me a little while back "I don't know how you do it. I would go bonkers if I didn't get phone calls." I guess when you are used to getting calls, you take them for granted a little bit. It's not that you don't appreciate them. You just know the calls will always come and so staying connected to your spouse is a little easier because you can communicate in real time. But when the chips always seemed to be stacked against you and you don't get calls or visits and your only communication is by letter, you quickly realize that you either need to square up and fight for each other or turn turtle and run. Sure it requires a little more effort but that's how we do it and while our conversations are never in real time and could lead to a lot of misinterpretations, in the year that he has been gone, there has not been one time where we have miscommunicated and that is because being together and making it work is the only thing that matters. There is nothing more important to me, in this life, than my husband and my children and I know that the same is true for my husband. He told me once that when he thinks I am upset with him that it's impossible for him to do time so I have never given him a reason to think that I am.

The prisons in the State of Texas may very well be the most ass backwards facilities in the USA and they try their best to keep him down but one thing I know for sure and that is that we cannot and will not ever be torn apart. We are committed and connected. We have a love for one another that is indescribable and together we are unstoppable and those are the ties that bind.

by Kimberley Ledbetter

The Prison Wife

Have you seen her?

She is everywhere. She is the woman at your office who sits alone in the lunch room and the woman in line at the grocery store or the woman sitting next to you on the bus. She is the woman who races home everyday at lunch just to see if his letter came. She is elated when it does and broken-hearted when it doesn't. She knows that he writes her every day. It just takes 6 days to get here and to her that's a lifetime. She is the woman who lays alone night after night trying desperately to remember what it feels like to fall asleep in his arms. She is the woman who cries in the bathroom at work because he is 3,000 miles away and can't call her and she can't visit. If you knew why she was crying would you care? No one can ever understand the lonlieness she feels.

She is the woman who struggles to make ends meet just so he doesn’t do without the small comforts she can provide him but she will never tell him how she struggles. She loves HIM that much. She is the woman that no one feels sorry for because this is her life; the one she chose. She is the woman who has noone to comfort her when someone she loves dies because the family she thought she knew has abandoned her. She is the woman who must always be strong because he needs her and there is no other choice.

She is the woman that loves him more than her own life; the woman whose heart breaks when he tells her what a loser he is because she deserves so much better than him. She is the woman that reminds him constantly that he is the best man she has ever known. She is the woman that would give anything to make him understand that everything happens for a reason and while he can't see that reason he trusts that she is right. She is the woman who knows that every choice he has made, good or bad, has brought him to this moment in time - to this life with her. She is the woman he protects at all costs from the details of life on the inside. He loves HER that much. She is the woman always wondering if he thinks of her as much as she thinks of him. She is the woman that is just as imprisoned as he is. While his chains bind his arms and legs, hers bind her heart.

She is the woman that drives for hours just to see his face and hear his voice knowing that in a few short hours her heart will break when she must leave him behind. She is the woman that hurts knowing that any privacy he had was gone the moment he walked through the gates. The thought of her husband being shackled with chains is almost too much for her to bear but bear it she must. She is the woman that does not see him as an inmate but as the love of her life. She is the woman they call stupid or naive simply because she believes in him more than he believes in himself.

She is the woman that still gets butterflies when he says "can I ask you a question?". She is the only person in his world that matters and he will do whatever it takes to be with her. She is the woman counting down the days until he is free and they can finally be together the way they were always meant to be. She is his rock and he is hers. She is the reason he is alive. She is the woman that he prays for, the woman that he dreams of and the woman that he fights for. She is the woman that he knows is being faithful even when they all say she isn't. He believes in her. He trusts her like he has never trusted anyone before - with his life. She is his everything. Her words, to him, are priceless and he values her letters above all else.

He is on her mind every minute of every hour of every day. They are connected. They always have been and always will be. He loves her more than words can say. She loves him like no other. He calls her his angel. Together they are unstoppable. Back to back. Their love is undeniable. Nothing else matters.

by Kimberley Ledbetter