Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Could It

Inmates sometimes get what they call the "fuck its," where they no longer care how much time they may have left, what trouble they could get in, they push the envelope and it sometimes turns into a downward spiral. As the wife of an inmate, I feel like I get the "could its." Could he really be home in under 200 days? Could he go back? Could he really be ready for the changes in his life he promises? Could this be it? The could its, effects me in a different way that the fuck its affect my husband. My could its give me a hang out, question myself, him and the situation while the fuck its give him rage to be careless. The could its make me wonder the what ifs and wonder what will my life be like. What if its not what he expected? Or what I expected? What if we can't get over this hump? Could this happen to us? I am sure a lot of women wonder as I do, what next. We have been moving along for this long but will it payoff like we expect? Our love can withstand this pressure, stress but can it withstand the true test of time? When my husband called today I had all of these questions but I know the answers, so why do these questions run through my head? Why can't I be content today? I know tomorrow will be a new day, a new horizon and it will work out, but what is it today? My could its are overwhelming me today, taking over my mind and corrupting my soul. Some days I don't even know who I am, what I think I am and now what I see looking back at me in the mirror. Yesterday I was strong, stood tall and today I feel helpless, hopeless, yet I know tomorrow I will once again gain that courage to continue on this path of love.

Common Ground

This lifestyle isn't for everyone. Some women prevail while some women fail. Mothers either choose to support their children through thick and thin while wives are put through the true test of for better or for worse. Every day life is consumed with something else, you can no longer focus on just you and your relationship you are now focusing on the "what ifs" and the "could its." And I admit somedays its not only hard to get out of bed but its hard to stay positive, upbeat or even to pretend too. This lifestyle is something I never dreamed of as a young girl, I am sure nothing my parents dreamed of me having, hell not Tom's either. While we can have constant negatives around us whether it be no financial help, lawyers, appeals, school, work the list can go on and on depending on the woman and the situation. One thing that helps me a lot is other women in this same situation. We all have this common bond of this taboo love of inmates, something we can't really explain but just know its right. While we continue down this path of hand written letters, 15-minute phone calls we sit and compare. Compare crimes, time, journeys and struggles. Shit, I will be the first to admit, I have not been labeled a "prison wife" for a fraction of what a lot of women have but I do know this is my life too. I know I am not afraid to admit my husband is an inmate. I know I am not afraid to preach the bad and the good of this situation and that love, love can still be behind bars. I won't be in this situation forever, or even years but for my "sisters" who are, I care for them, treat them with respect and let them feel how they feel. Not every single person is affected in the same exact way. What I may be happy about, one may be mad about and what may be a positive for her may be a negative for me. Whether my husband will be home in five months, five years or five decades that doesn't change that fact that I too am in this situation, that I too have struggles yet have triumphs. I want to stand with other women in rejoice to have one another to confide in, trust and understand, not belittle and judge. As loved ones of inmates we should be reaching out to one another offering information and resources because when it comes down to it we are already judged by the better bulk of America. I don't want to be judged by the same people who are living the same life as me.