Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Could It

Inmates sometimes get what they call the "fuck its," where they no longer care how much time they may have left, what trouble they could get in, they push the envelope and it sometimes turns into a downward spiral. As the wife of an inmate, I feel like I get the "could its." Could he really be home in under 200 days? Could he go back? Could he really be ready for the changes in his life he promises? Could this be it? The could its, effects me in a different way that the fuck its affect my husband. My could its give me a hang out, question myself, him and the situation while the fuck its give him rage to be careless. The could its make me wonder the what ifs and wonder what will my life be like. What if its not what he expected? Or what I expected? What if we can't get over this hump? Could this happen to us? I am sure a lot of women wonder as I do, what next. We have been moving along for this long but will it payoff like we expect? Our love can withstand this pressure, stress but can it withstand the true test of time? When my husband called today I had all of these questions but I know the answers, so why do these questions run through my head? Why can't I be content today? I know tomorrow will be a new day, a new horizon and it will work out, but what is it today? My could its are overwhelming me today, taking over my mind and corrupting my soul. Some days I don't even know who I am, what I think I am and now what I see looking back at me in the mirror. Yesterday I was strong, stood tall and today I feel helpless, hopeless, yet I know tomorrow I will once again gain that courage to continue on this path of love.

tnalewis.blogspot.com

1 Comments:

At September 7, 2011 at 8:36 PM , Blogger Ginger said...

So glad I found this blog, my husband has been gone for almost 3 1/2 years so far and has a little over 4 left, hurry up 2015. I look forward to reading more and if you want take a peek at my blog http://prisonmarriage.blogspot.com

 

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