Sunday, July 31, 2011

Me, Eric, Jaylen soon to be one.

I met Eric thru a friend I was writing that was in the Fed system. J wanted me to get a hold of Eric for him and pass along a message and that was the start of a great friendship. At that point Eric was still on this side of the wall, but was not single. He was trying to make things work with his baby momma for the sake of the kids. We did finally get together about a month before he went in. He was set up by his own mother. In hopes to get custody of his son. He is in on a drug charge. One thing I love about him is even tho he did deal he never did any drugs. The Feds took my man and they need to give him back. Well we have had a lot of up's and downs. We had our good days and our bad. But with everything I have learned more about him, who he truly is. He has learned more about me then any man as ever known. I was engaged 2x before Eric, both ended with death. One killed in the line of duty, one I woke up to find him dead on the floor. I was scared to fall in love, scared to open my heart. He has shown me even in the worst of times he is there for me, even if it is not physically. The mental and emotional support he has shown me and given to me. I get scared to tell him things, I don't want him to be mad about things going on. I don't want him to know I don't have the power to say no, to stand on my own. I am strong to stand by my man, defend my love, defend on waiting for him to come home. I can not tell someone no, I will go broke to help someone even when it means I go with out. I make sure my son has all he needs. I hate to see a child go with out food so I will get food for the neighbors. Eric loves me for who I am. For the want to help other people, but he hates that I let them walk all over me. It has got to the point he has said Tell them I said NO that you can not do it. He was like give me their number I will call and tell them to not ask you for a dam thing. I love he is protective of me. My son loves him, asks when Mr. Eric is going to call again, or write again, asks if he can draw pictures for him. He treats my son as his own. Sends him birthday cards and gifts. He refers to my son as "ours". He asked if he could adopt my son. At first I thought about a lot of mixed feelings. My son is the last male in the family with the "family" last name. Then thought Eric has been more of a family then my family, he has done more then anyone has ever done. I would be honored to give my son his last name. I asked Jayen what he would think of that. He said it is all I ever wanted, a husband for you, a dad for me, I even get the brother I always wanted. We are one happy family. If it goes as it is now Eric will come home Dec of 14, but with the new crack law thing, he should get a time cut and could be home next year. Just waiting for Nov. so we can get our time cut. He is my life, the man of my dreams, the reason my heart beats. I love that man. That is me in a nut shell and my love Eric.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

This I promise you!

I just read a post by my good friend Annette here, and it seems that a lot of my friends are upset lately. And I just want to say that no matter what the stigma, no matter what people say, no matter the gasps I may receive, no matter what people may think, I do this through the ups and downs, the hurt, the joy, the pain and the laughter, the heartache and the love, tears and the smiles....every moment of the journey which you can see is a constant up and down battle. It isn't easy...but I choose it because I made a promise. A promise to someone I love. Someone I love with all my heart. Does he take care of me? Yes, yes he does to the best of his ability. He works for less than a dollar a day so that he can send me home every little bit that he can, and so that he doesn't have to ask me for money that he knows I don't have.
He takes care of me by loving making sure that I know I am loved. By giving me the best advice that he can. By calling me every day and talking to me. By trying his best to be a family man from where he is. He may be in prison, and he may have done wrong, but he is doing the best he can to change. Change, yes he can change and he has changed. I AM A PRISON WIFE. The difference between me and others? I am not ashamed. I don't hide in my house ashamed and hanging my head. Your husband might be an alcoholic. A sex addict, a porn addict. A spend a-holic. Depressed. Cheating on you...He might be a gambler. He might be abusive to you. There are so many things he might be doing. Or let's put the shoe on the other foot, maybe those are things you are doing? Do you go around announcing them? Should we gasp about your circumstances? Whisper to all our friends about how the one you love is never going to change? Or how you yourself can't change?

Don't be sad Annette...everyone in this world has issues...ours are just in the spotlight because our men got caught at their misdeeds. I love you girl and we WILL get through this together!

Friday, July 29, 2011


I have struggled a lot while Tom has been gone, 128 days to be exact, but who's counting. The past 128 days have been a whirlwind of getting married, taking on more work, moving and coming to terms that my husband is in prison. Living in such a small town it seems like everyone knows everyone, or at least they know something about them. While a lot of people know I am married, they read it in the newspaper, not many actually know he is in prison. And honestly, sometimes its hard to admit it when they say, "How's married life?" all I can say is, "Okay." They ask what he does, I want to say odd jobs every day. Some even ask if he "takes" care of me, referring to money, ya is $15 a month could get us by. Then replying, "Well he is in prison," the look, the gasp, and then the, "ohhh." Is actually almost priceless.

Sometimes I dread the look others times I just blurt it out, but today - today I realized what this is. After reading an article online from a fellow "prison wife" and the comments proceeding them left me feeling at a loss. While strangers were commenting her story and her article, it hurt me. It hurt me because that's what people say about me, and that's what bonds the "prison wives." A lot of people don't understand why we do it, what would make us want to do it, but it just makes me think what have they given up for love? What extent would they go for their husband or wife? And while I totally understand how some people may think our husband will offend again, what people don't understand it that change happens.

How many times have they lied, their husbands lied to them? Cheated? Stole?

So why can't my husband change when a cheater can, a liar can but my husband can't? Doesn't seem fair does it?

- Annette Lewis